Before Sunrise

My dear darling,

When you say this, I was really very happy. I hope you really mean it...I used to think someone and I will stay together forever, but we didn't even make it to half a year. Hope this time it will really work out. Last night I dreamed that you were bewitched and lost interest in me and my belif any more. And I tried to bring you back as if the most important thing was not about being loved by you but bringing you to the face of God...

To be loved by you makes me one of the happiest persons in the world...Let's stay together forever! I mean it.

Dear Darling,

Now I'm sure you are my Mr. Right. I love you so much and I finally said it first. I so wanted to hug you and kiss you when there's only you and me but I will just gonna wait for the perfect moment...The dinner you and your mum cooked for me is so delicious and I feel relaxed when talking to you two. Are we destined to be a family? Sometimes I am afraid you are too good for me. I really am. Don't laugh at me... I know I am not good enough. But just wait for me. I will try to be better with the help from God...

Dear Darling,

I miss you so much! You have always been so busy that I find it so cruel to ask you out. Somebody says that BUSY means be under Satan's yoke, now I totally understand what it is like. Fei says the Bible study may be a burden to you. She blamed me for pushing you too much on this. I was very sad to to hear that. I believed she has wronged me. Anyway, she is still not a Christian. She can't fully understand how important and relaxing the Bible study is. But I still hope this can be a good witness for her... May God help us and bless us all.

        My dearest: I haven't written anything about you recently. The little worry still stings my heart. But not very often now. I think you would accept me, the real me. But I'm not very sure about that anyway. We'll see...Thin morning I read a short story by Stefan Zweig, 24 hours In A Woman's Life. Sometimes, some shame may not be necessary...But every now and then you do something that you regrets when you calm down, you know? You used to tell me to look forward. Can I look forward with you? Somebody says that when a human try to be angel, he/she becomes a devil. In some degree, it is right.

        What am I saying? I seem to be lost in nagging. Wednesday afternoon I asked you jokingly how long a time would make you think you haven't seen me for a long time. You said a day. It's silly to measure love, I know. Last night when we parted. I looked at your face and wanted to say I couldn't bear not seeing you for 2 days (we're meeting Monday night for Bible Study) but I didn't say it. I started to miss you the moment I went upstairs...

        In the flower shop, you were standing very close to me that I could even feel your chest. It was such a broad and sterdy one that I felt very safe... And your birthday gift, regardless of its earthly worth in other people's eyes, was so lovely... I was really happy about that.

        One moment ago, I was just not sure about my love to you. Suddenly I felt I loved you so much. Last night, in the Karaoke, you were quiet as usual. And I looked at your face, which was full of amazement. The expression was so cute and I felt like touching your face. My dear darling, now I know I love you so much although, just like I said to a friend, you are not my Mcdreamy.

         Congratulations, my dear darling, you've won most of my friends' approval. I knew you had been working hard on this. I really appreiciate it. You started to say sweet things to me recently, which although I quite enjoyed but haven't get accoustomed to it. Do you know what you were saying when you said "I like you just as you are"?  Are you my Colin Firth? My Mr. Darcy? 

        Basically speaking, I am an out-spoken person. I tell my close friends almost everything. The more I told them, the closer we are.  There's something I've been planning to confide to you these days, which has been eating my heart. Today I almost spit out a little. But you stopped me. My dear darling, this is the softest part of me, my weakest point. I know you are not prepared to accept the whole me. It doesn't matter. Let us just stop here. I could always give up although my heart is still aching.

          Once again I saw the dark side of me. I got upset when people ignore me. I know I am too self-certered. When people don't listen to me, I got upset and a little bit paranoid. Maybe I am too talkative when we were together. Will you be bored with me one day? I might be bored sometimes by your past sentiments, to be honest. But I will try to feel with you. When you are depressed, I won't force you not to. I will try to join you while consoling you. Yes, I am determined to do this. Will you forgive my dark thoughts? I am really so afraid when I am not sure if  our relationship is going inside Jesus. So I freaked out a little bit when it seems obvious that we are moving too close to each other. I once made a mistake. I don't want this to happen twice. I know I tend to trusts people easily. On the other hand, I am an extremist. I tend to suspect everything when things are getting out of hand. You and me, at this moment, are getting a little bit out of hand. But I guess I should learn to get used to it. 

         My dear, I am just a little afraid. Help me, lord...

          I know I should be blamed for this. I am really weak in confidence. My heart weavered a little when I managed to take time and thought about our relationship. Am I moving too fast? Do I really love you enough to make those brave moves? Will I regret? I have never been in a relationship for more than 6 months. Can we go beyond that and break the curse? I talked with people who have been in a relationship for more than 7 years and became a little worried about our future. Once again I forgot what I built my faith on. I really should put all these in God's hands. Darling, really wish you can move a little faster to our Lord. I hope everything between you and me can develpe in his hands.